Where is Home?

Sitting on my bed now, looking out at the trees blowing in the wind and a blue sky that allows the sun to filter in through my ancient windows, I can’t help but wonder; is this home?

The answer is usually ‘home is where the heart is’, however, where is my heart?

I have no answer to my sudden question. Sometimes I feel like a little nomadic camel moving from place to place. Having lived in Dorset as a young girl some may say this is my home, however, I know that it is not. I don’t feel euphoric when I visit Dorset. There is no rush of excitement or one perfect exhale that allows all of the muscles in my body to relax. So no; this is not home.

My next stop was Scotland. Having spent many years in this Northern country I could almost say that this is home. I refer to it as that, with its rolling hills, curving rivers and emerald green landscape. Scotland was where I did all of my growing up; I made friends here, created a life and had a staple place in the community. I finished school here and learnt valuable life lessons, however, now that’s neither I or nor my parents reside here is this home? After my parents returned to Dorset after are many years in the ‘barren wilderness’ can I refer to Scotland as my home with no house on its beautiful land?

Then I moved to London; the large sprawling urban jungle that is alive throughout the day and night. University was calling and London answered. Here I’ve met life long friends, had dream internships and found my feet. Here my ambition has only grown. My dreams getting bigger at every passing moment and I feel that life is there for the taking. London is thrilling; one large adrenaline rush of people and work. I somewhat get that relaxing exhale I have always dreamed of; but not quite, not completely. I may call London home to those who ask. Alas in my heart I know that it’s not quite the truth.

I wonder, as I walk around this amazing city; have I found home yet? Is it possible that I don’t have the place to call home, as I haven’t yet located it? I know where I want to call home; an even bigger city with much taller buildings. You know? That city on an island beginning with man? But even if this dream home doesn’t exist there, I suppose I will find it eventually. A girl just has to be patient and wait. Much like you have to wait for love, I’ve decided to wait for my home.

So what I’m saying is that it’s possible to never fit in or feel safe where your family calls home, or where your friends call home. These can simply places that you’re visiting on your journey to the place that you want to call home. I know that while I’m close I’m not quite there yet. Home is calling me, but I won’t be able to settle in for a few years.

Does ‘the one’ exist?

I have always been a dreamer; I have always wanted to have ‘the one’.

While we question our choices on a daily basis can the loss of attraction be fixed? When a wedge of distance begins to grow amongst a couple is there a way to fix it? Endless hours of getting to know one another and gazing into each other’s eyes doesn’t really exist. I suppose I always thought that couples would last forever, that when I finally chose someone that that would be me set.

Forever, I am beginning to realise is an extremely long time and filling this time with a relationship is becoming ever harder. When someone does one thing to put a dent in that relationship it’s fixable, when they carry on to have minor blips, those too, are fixable, however, what can you do when you begin to lose sight of the person you fell in love with.

I ask myself this question now more than ever. I look at him and think are you changing or am I?

Entering into a relationship in your early twenties is hard. We both still have so much growing up to do, we haven’t formed into the people of our future, perhaps we are simply growing apart or perhaps we’re becoming different people. This doesn’t make me feel any less guilty though. It doesn’t stop me from hating myself for not seeing the man I fell in love with. Can we though, fall in love with our first love? This is yet another question I pose to myself.

I watch my friend’s parents; they’ve been together since they were fifteen and they’ve made it work, so how come now I can’t seem to? I know that I love him but is he my boyfriend or simply friend?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how I feel. One minute I see a future with him, I see our forever; and then another minute I can’t see anything.

Boys, I have decided are extremely confusing individuals and ones I can’t read.

Should I have to bring all of the happiness to the relationship? Should I bring the money or should we be equal? Tiring is the word. Relationships are far too overrated (sometimes). I love him and I know he loves me but sometimes looking past the blips and the growing, looking past the changing is hard. But is it worth it? This question is soon to be answered.

I am still a dreamer; I still believe that there is one special person for everyone. I want to believe in fairy tales, however, now I know that life is a little more complicated than happily ever afters. Life has problems and mountains to climb and I suppose that now, now I have begun to enter a world filled with adult questions and choices.

While I believe that ‘the one’ exists I now realise that it’s not all about roses and hearts. It’s about growing together and learning how each other work and move. ‘The One’ can’t be discovered after a first date, it takes months and years of decisions and arguments to decide. So I suppose what I’m trying to say is that we can find or soulmate but we have to work for it. Life isn’t a fairytale it wasn’t meant to be easy.

I am still a dreamer; I still believe that there is one special person for everyone. I want to believe in fairy tales, however, now I know that life is a little more complicated than happily ever afters. Life has problems and mountains to climb and I suppose that now, now I have begun to enter a world filled with adult questions and choices.

2014: A Year In Review

Everyone seems to be writing a personal post on 2014 so I decided to join the club. 2014 was a special year for me, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t find myself so easily typing words.

The beginning of the year saw the end of my first year at University, a year where I’d met many great people and discovered friends that I know will be with me for the rest of my life. With two of these friends I embarked on adventure down the East Coast of America. Starting in New York I had a chance to live through a dream, having wished for years to see the city that never sleeps I was finally walking down fifth avenue and strutting through Central Park (I did have a moment where I pretended I was in Sex and the City, who wouldn’t?)

From New York with its bright lights and constant energy we moved south to Washington. This place to me, was spectacular. It was beautiful and a vast difference to the constant sound and smell of New York. I felt at peace among the museums and the monuments. Everything seemed natural and in truth I can see myself returning there in the future…. to live.

Florida meant one thing…DISNEY! I had the chance to be a child and trust me I used it! Getting autographs and my pin collection I felt like was the princess (who cares if I’m twenty). The best part about the trip though, was getting to spend it with two people I had only met six months before, and these two people are now two of my closest friends.

The summer saw my parents moving pubs, awaiting a new challenge a new life. While saying goodbye to friends that I had briefly made I had hope for my family. The summer also brought one more typical cliché…romance. This year I managed to find myself a guy, my first boyfriend (what can I say I’m picky!). Having met him while he worked for my parents before they moved we only grew closer through the distance and from friends we decided to become more. Five months later I can say I’m happier that I’ve ever been, and I have him to thank. He’s kind and caring and I’ve completely fallen for him. (If he reads this, no big head please!) Now he’s moved with us and I smile every time I think of him, he’s part of the family and thankfully the parents approve!

September appeared and so did University. Second year is already proving to be tough however, with a first and a lot of hard work I’m slowly growing as an academic. With a job here and two work placements I’m constantly trying to get myself into the industry.

Christmas was perfect I had Kyle and my family and of course Marley (my very own Border Collie x Retriever) who I miss whenever I go to Uni. Now that New Years past and I can reflect I know 2014 was a great year, a lot of adventure and a lot of surprises I grew as a person, I became hardworking and passionate. I had so many experiences and gained valuable information. Having been offered a three week internship with Grazia magazine I allowed myself a moment of pride and achievement, looking forward to taking part in this I know I have a lot I know that 2015 will be challenging but I look forward to it, and I look forward to seeing what the future will bring.

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The Stars

Sometimes I simply look up.

For me, the sky holds my answers. The purity of what my eyes see is enough to let my brain relax, to take in the quite serene that sits above our heads. Balls of gas that float amongst the universe, watching us, watching the mere mortals play beneath them.

As a writer I find my imagination gets lost amongst these things of natural beauty. For hours I allow them to be reflected within my iris’ as I take pen to paper and write, write lines that may mean nothing when the sun rises but for a few hours hold my open heart.

Peace. I find peace among the stars and I find myself able to answer questions without thousands of outside influences. To walk amongst the sky.

“Stars can’t shine without darkness.” In our lives, when darkness decides to enter into the fringes of our minds remember this quote. Remember that you may not be able to see them when you look up, there may be a sunrise or set in the way, smog from the constant troll of a city or simply the roof of your humble homestead. The stars are always shining though, just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean that they’re not there.

In times of darkness, remember your stars. The hope that shines amidst the horror of your day or evening, or year. Allow the stars to shine within you, to always guide you to a place of solace, where your decisions are your own and your mind if free of outside influences. To me, the stars are my sense of home, even when I may be miles away the stars see everything, they are my connection.

The Storm

 Thunder dances through the city

The world echoing dark; filled with pity.

A tramp sits alone claiming his step

While rain weeps with every threat.

A vagrant dog roams the streets alone

The lightening crackles, firmly home.

Birds fly south as the storm sets in

Clouds are turning filling with sin.

People are caught now left waiting

the storm unyielding, never breaking.